“People are like stained glass windows. They sparkle and shine when the sun is out, but when the darkness sets in, their true beauty is revealed only if there is a light from within.”

– Elisabeth Kubler-Ross

I have a confession. I’m scared of the dark — not in the there’s a monster hiding under my bed kid sense, but as in the shadow-side of life.

I love the sunshine. I love Summer. I love long days, short nights, splashing in pools, and slathering on sunscreen. And I especially love feeling like Summer on the inside. I have the sunshine side of life mastered.

Winter is not my season. Darkness is not my sport. This is not my moment to shine.

Only here’s the problem. I’ve only lived in places where Winter is a prolonged season, and I am not a bear. I do not have the luxury of sleeping half my year away and waking in Spring to live my best life until Fall. I am a human who desires deeply to live my life fully. It is not okay for me to check out when the darkness rolls in.

And yet, that is how I’ve been living — this Winter (but if I’m being honest, also in this prolonged darkness of Covid and deep division these past almost two years). I make plans for moments of sunshine ahead — vacations, date nights, summer break — as I feel the fire burning out in me day after day.

To be fair to myself, I have poured as much energy as I can spare into getting to the gym, reading books that provide a little joy/escape/distraction, working with my therapists (yes, there is more than one), and taking breaks when I need them. I have tried to sit in the fire of this darkness and accept it. But I have also found myself hiding out, worried that the light from within has extinguished itself.

But it’s still flickering. I’m adjusting to the idea that it’s still ok to let myself be seen living, even when the shadows have fallen on my face or settled in my heart. There are things worth sharing even when we’re not burning at our brightest. It’s ok to let the light out at a different intensity sometimes. Maybe this is the perfect moment to shine. Maybe all this darkness has been training for a new sport.