One hot as blazes Friday this August, I splurged for an extra day of camp for the kids, started the morning getting the ladies hugged so tight at my annual mammogram, and then landed my 43-year-old backside in a tattoo chair for the first time. (My husband happened upon the day’s calendar a couple days earlier and commented that I really know how to torture myself on a Friday off, to which I quickly pointed out that I couldn’t think of a more restful Friday off in Summer memory.) One man’s torture is another mom’s blissful day off, it turns out.
Some have been a bit confounded about my putting a big, beautiful tat on this bod at the ripe ol’ age of 43. To that I say “nothing’s getting prettier on this body at this point, except for this gorgeous piece of artwork on my forearm.” And that’s not wrong. It’s really pretty, and it makes me happy every time I see it peeking up at me.
But the long answer, the answer I give to the people that I really want to get it, is this:
It’s a beautiful landscape. But much more importantly, it’s a parable. It’s a playbook. It’s a minute-by-minute reminder of the journey I’m taking as a mother and the map for getting where we’re going, healthy and whole.
My journey as a mother has been more Wild West (and so much less settled civilization) than I had braced for. Now there’s a little Wild West on my forearm to remind me that this trip is exactly the one I’m meant to be on.
My eldest is the river — raging at times and flowing peacefully at others, but always moving freely and confidently in the direction he chooses. My youngest is the tree — steady, a little wild, growing toward the sky in his own way, and deepening his roots at his own pace. I used to think that my job as mom was to be the whole damn sky — the sun, the moon, the stars. I’ve come to realize I’m the boat.
I’m fortunate to share this wild landscape with these beautiful forces, to be a steward for them and to experience the immense beauty and power that they hold. As I float through the peaceful waters or paddle through the chop, perhaps I fish debris out here and there. As I rest in the shade of that beautiful tree, maybe I holler at passersby tempted to leave their mark, “Mind its bark because it needs that protection to grow into its full potential.”
It’s humbling to admit that while these marvels started with me, I am not the sky for them. I am here always: sometimes floating along, docking on the banks, star gazing, taking cover. I am not the reason for their potential, but they are the fuel for mine. There’s such relief in learning they don’t need everything from me. When I start to feel overwhelmed that I don’t know how to protect my children, how to save them, I remember I am not the sky. All I have to do is float through this with them. We get to be in this beautiful place together, breathing in the air, and moving through the world, weathering storms, basking in sunshine, becoming exactly what we are meant to be individually, in the unique way that only we are meant to exist. We get to explore this wilderness together: each from our own lens and in our own power. I am not here to change them, to control them, to shape them. They are who they are meant to be. I’m along for the ride, and that is enough. That is a gift.
As mother of two boys, I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been told that both of them are the spitting image of their father. It took me about a week of motherhood to adopt the saying “Well, I was just the vessel.” It was my tongue-in-cheek way of saying I did all the hard work, and that’s insulting. But perhaps somewhere in there I already knew: I am not the sky, but I am so grateful to be this vessel, moving through this wild adventure with exactly these forces in precisely this landscape (even if I still wish they looked a tiny bit like me).
Art by Trinh Nguyen (Instagram & Facebook @trinhspiration) at The Wolf Den (Denver Queer owned, all Femxle Studio), which I can't recommend enough. Such an amazing experience!
All I know is you are a powerful pice of watercraft floating so beautifully through this “Mom
Journey”! Not many could do what you do, with such love, conviction and patience in your heart ❤️ I’m so blessed to have you in my life!